


Look at me, please

by PetitPotato (LittleBrownStone)



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-01
Updated: 2012-12-01
Packaged: 2017-11-20 00:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleBrownStone/pseuds/PetitPotato
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natsume and Tanuma are quite good at torturing themselves with their feelings for each other. But in the end they realise that they want the same thing. Also, there's Natori and an OC-youkai. And a kiss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Look at me, please

_Once, in an old house, there lived a kind youkai. Even though people couldn't see it, it adored them and stayed with them for a very long time to protect their house. Since the people didn't know of its existence, they often got scared by the youkai's noises. This made the youkai sad, but it still wanted to be useful to them, because otherwise it would have felt incredibly lonely._

It was a day like many others. The last period had just ended and Natsume found himself surrounded by friends. They were all cheerfully talking, just about to leave the school building.

Natsume watched Kitamoto leave first. He hurried home with his usual serious face. Then Nishimura paced past him, throwing him a short goodbye, much too eager to catch up with Taki, who had previously stopped at Natsume's side to chat about the newest events. It always amused Natsume to watch Nishimura struggle for Taki's attention and his disappointed but never gloomy face when she turned him down yet another time. Nishimura always assumed that it was because of Natsume and kept playfully proclaiming him as his rival. However, to Natsume things were very different. He wasn't exactly good at personal relationships and it was difficult enough for him to maintain a simple friendship. The friendship that had given him most to think about was with the person, who had just made halt right next to him.

"What's up?" Tanuma asked and Natsume simply returned a kind smile.

Out of their friends, the two of them were always the last ones to leave. It had become an unspoken agreement of theirs and Natsume always felt glad to be able to spend some time alone with Tanuma on their way home. Natsume always enjoyed being around his friends but with Tanuma, things were different. At school, where it was unlikely for youkai to show up, Natsume felt easy and calm around Tanuma. They didn't have to say much to feel at ease around each other and Natsume greatly enjoyed the small things like understanding fist bumps and knowing smiles that made their other friends occasionally roll their eyes. To them, it sometimes seemed, like Natsume and Tanuma lived in a world of their own that nobody else could enter. Occasionally, they would be seen with Taki and to a less observant watcher, who had witnessed Taki's cheerful enthusiasm and Natsume's calm pats on her head and his kind smiles, it might have seemed that their relationship had been rather obvious. Then, however, Taki would leave and it would be Tanuma's hand on Natsume's shoulder or on his arm or in some other innocent place, but definitely touching Natsume. Natsume wouldn't mind and his gaze would become all soft and then a little bit sad and apologetic.

Natsume had never been good with people and he had always found feelings rather confusing. He was used to hurting and being hurt and the fact that he felt at ease around Tanuma more than anyone else, was confusing him just as much as it made him happy. Natsume wasn't used to happy feelings. He had grown to believe that he didn't deserve them and that he was cursed to harm people who had shown him kindness. It had always been easy for him to stay away from people but now things were different. Often, he would feel guilty and anxious whenever he felt Tanuma's hands on him or saw his kind smile, because he imagined losing him, just as he had lost so many other people who had been far less close to him. Youkai were a part of Natsume's life and even though Tanuma knew about their existence, he was lucky enough not to be able to see them. He wasn't cursed as Natsume was and Natsume had the constant fear that dragging Tanuma into that unpleasant world would not only mean to put him in danger, but could also make him experience things that would make him hate Natsume. Still, Natsume felt that he couldn't simply give up on their friendship, because spending time together had made his life so much more enjoyable.

As usually, they had begun their walk home, while talking about all kinds of trivial things. Natsume liked how Tanuma always listened so carefully and how he knew when he was expected to laugh. They were joking around about Nyanko-Sensei, and Natsume was glad that he no longer had to keep him a secret. It was just too hilarious to be able to share stories about the fat cat.

He was right in the middle of how Nyanko-Sensei, completely drunk, got himself stuck in a cupboard for an entire night and the two of them were laughing throughout the whole story, while walking closely, occasionally bumping into each other, when shaken by another fit of laughter.

"I thought he was a powerful youkai," Tanuma asked while still trying to catch his breath, "why didn't he get out by using his powers?" "I think, he was too drunk to remember he could do something like that," was Natsume's chuckled reply.

It was an incredibly stupid story, but Natsume liked to see Tanuma laugh. He usually looked serious and his occasional smiles were often accompanied by undeniably sad eyes. To see those eyes lose their sadness during their conversations made Natsume feel comfortable warmth spread inside of him. In the past, neither of them had had much to laugh over, save alone for someone to laugh with, so they both enjoyed their new opportunity.

Once again Natsume felt Tanuma bump against him and felt how the other had reached out for his shoulder to steady himself. Natsume felt Tanuma's weight against him and his heart quickened. Even though Natsume had gotten used to touching and being touched when he was with Tanuma, he felt like it was something special nonetheless. To Natsume there was a distinct difference between a youkai's and a human's touch. As well as he had learnt the difference between the cold and dismissive touches of his former guardians, the enthusiastic shoves and grabs from Nishimura and Kitamoto when they tried to pull him with them, and the calm and soft touches from Tanuma, who was constantly there to back him up. To his own surprise, Natsume often caught himself being disappointed when he felt the warmth of the other's body disappear just as fast as it had come. He often felt the urge to return a touch, to make it last longer, but something inside of him didn't dare to reach out for Tanuma. Like, the moment he reached out for him, would invite the other to a place, he was never ever supposed to go. Instead, he secretly hoped for Tanuma to make his next touch last longer, but the other boy never seemed to notice and kept his touches just as brief as ever.

"Sometimes, I even wonder how Sensei has survived for so long," Natsume mused with a smile, "he's incredibly powerful, but occasionally, he's unable to handle the most ridiculous situations."

"Maybe he likes to be saved by you," Tanuma laughed, "in any case, I'm glad to be able to hear about it," he was looking at Natsume with gratefulness and Natsume felt a faint blush creep to his cheeks. Then, suddenly, Tanuma's hand was next to Natsume's face and Natsume almost backed away because of the unexpected gesture. However, the hand didn't touch his face, as he had expected, but lightly stroked some of his hair, obviously pulling something out. "There was a leaf stuck on your head", Tanuma quickly explained, as he saw Natsume's wide eyes, "I'm sorry," he added, as he showed the leaf to Natsume. He must have taken Natsume's surprise for fright and Natsume instantly cursed his reflexes. "No, it… it's nothing," he mumbled, but it was already too late. Tanuma had averted his eyes, made a quick step past Natsume and continued his walk silently. Natsume increased his pace to catch up with his friend, but didn't dare to look at him. Even though they usually felt perfectly comfortable around each other, there were also those small things, they simply couldn't say.

Suddenly, Tanuma stopped and rubbed his forehead while squinting his eyes and Natsume wondered what it was, until he was almost swept of his feet by a violent gust of wind. An unusual wind and the warning bells in Natsume's head were chiming at their loudest. He quickly glanced around, searching for Tanuma who had fallen to the ground, clutching his head. On the ground, right next to him, was a large shadow and as Natsume looked up he saw a terrible youkai floating in the air. It was wearing a scary mask and its hair was all over the place, covering a great part of its body.

Natsume instantly backed off and tried to get as far away from Tanuma as possible, hoping the youkai would overlook his friend and go for him instead. It had worked, the youkai leapt through the air right towards Natsume who made a clumsy jump to the side.

"What is it?" he heard Tanuma shout, but was to busy dodging the youkai's blows to answer. It came at him with so much vigor that taking on even one of those blows was more than he could handle. He needed Nyanko-Sensei, but the cat had refused to accompany him to school and therefore it was just him against the giant beast.

Throwing stones at the youkai hadn't made much difference and Natsume knew that he wouldn't be able to dodge forever. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Tanuma standing up shakily and gazing around, trying to make out at least a vague direction of where to look.

He had taken his eyes off the youkai for just one moment but it was enough to suddenly feel the impact of a strong hit to his side. It sent him flying into the bushes and it took him some moments to find his way out of the thick branches. The next thing he could see was the youkai's back, which meant…

"Tanuma!" Natsume shouted, "Run! Don't ask, just run!"

He was too late, however. Tanuma had been looking right through the youkai and it had caught him by surprise when something grabbed his arm and he was lifted up in the air.

Natsume felt his stomach clench but he was still too far away and the youkai was already sliding its mask to the side to reveal a monstrous mouth.

Natsume's mind went blank and the only thought, throbbing in his brain, was that he wouldn't make it and that it was his fault once again…

He didn't notice the tiny piece of paper that shot past him and smoothly attached itself to the youkai's back. Suddenly, from behind him, two figures appeared and sprang towards the youkai. They seemed strong enough to take it on and while one of them caught its attention, the other one proceeded to attack.

It took Natsume some moments to make out Hiiragi and Urihime. They were so fast that it was difficult for his eyes to follow their movements and the next instant there was a bright light that seemed to come from the ground beneath the youkai, sucking it in.

It had let go of Tanuma, who had fallen to the ground, unable to keep his balance and with a sting of pain, Natsume noticed that he was clutching his arm that he had previously been grabbed by.

Only when he had reached Tanuma and bowed over him to shield him from further harm, did his mind finally process the fact that Hiiragi and Urihime were both standing in front of him. The youkai had been obviously sealed. Which meant…

"Hello, there," he heard a familiar voice. Out of the bushes stepped none other than Natori. He had been the one to seal the youkai, while his shiki had performed the distraction.

Usually, Natsume would have sighed in irritation. Natori's sight always stressed him out and he knew that the older man never showed up without reason. Now, however, he didn't care. He didn't even want to think of how things would have turned out without Natori's helpful appearance. He felt Tanuma's back shake under his touch and his insides clenched with guilt. It was because of him that Tanuma got involved in the first place and if getting attacked hadn't been bad enough, he had been completely helpless. He was hardly able to protect himself, how was he supposed to protect anyone else? Especially someone, who was important to him. The feeling of helplessness and utter devastation filled his chest and he averted his eyes from Tanuma. He just couldn't stand for him to turn around and to look him in the eyes.

He shot his gaze to Natori who was standing next to the two boys, eying them with a mix of indifference and bemusement. "I bet you're asking yourself why I'm here?" he asked cheerily, "Suspicious as ever!"

"You give me plenty of reason to be," was Natsume's murmured answer.

"Well, actually, I do have a reason to be here," Natori gave him one of his usual mysterious smiles, "I've got a job to offer."

"No," was Natsume's harsh reply. He didn't care for any of Natori's jobs. His right side was hurting all over because of the youkai's blow and the only thing he really cared about right now was Tanuma who had finally begun to calm down. Natsume was still too scared to look at him, but he felt that the shaking had stopped and that Tanuma was now trying to get up. He seemed to be fine, so Natsume finally removed his hands from the other boy's back.

"Was happened?" he heard Tanuma say and before he could even react to it, Natori was already talking.

"You two were attacked by a youkai. A particularly strong one, so dear Natsume couldn't do much about it," he explained. Natsume cursed him for saying these things. It was completely unnecessary for Tanuma to know what danger he had been in. And even more unnecessary to know that Natsume had been completely unable to save him. He felt even worse when his gaze finally met Tanuma's. His friend's questioning eyes were filled with an emotion Natsume couldn't really place. It could have been guilt, but there was nothing for him to feel guilty about. It had been entirely Natsume's fault. He quickly looked away again.

"Stop it," he shouted at Natori, "There's no reason for you to tell him!" He hoped that his look was convincing, but deep inside he was pleading.

The look Natori cast him clearly showed that he had understood, but it was followed by another smile and Natsume wasn't sure what to expect next. It could have been anything.

"Well, I suppose, I should just skip forward to describe the job?" he asked and Natsume knew what he was playing at.

"No," he shouted again, "Don't say it, please!"

"Oh, you're quick to decide then," Natori grinned, "Agreeing without even listening to any details."

"I… what? I'm not…!" Natsume was starting to feel desperate. Obviously, Natori knew that he didn't want Tanuma to know anything about youkai and he was using this against him. Natori wanted Natsume on this job and if he didn't want Tanuma to get involved, his only option was to give in to Natori's request.

"Fine," Natsume mumbled barely loud enough for Natori to hear, "I'm coming. It's ok, you can tell me about it later."

He shot a quick glance to Tanuma who was still looking at him with that funny expression.

"I'm sorry," Natsume started. He really didn't want to leave Tanuma alone right after they had been attacked, but what choice did he have?

"It's ok," was the other boy's reply but the tone of his voice made Natsume feel even worse, "It's fine. I can go home on my own," he proceeded to pick up his school bag that had been thrown to the side of the road. "We'll see each other at school then?"

"Yeah… We'll see each other at school," Natsume repeated almost automatically. He then looked over to Natori.

"Oookey, off we go!" Natori exclaimed cheerfully and Natsume felt Natori's hand on his shoulder. The other was leading him away and Natsume followed him without looking back. It was fine, Natsume thought. There was no need to involve Tanuma into any of this.

It was fine, Tanuma thought, as he was slowly walking towards his house. He wouldn't have been much help anyway. Neither with the youkai that had attacked them earlier, nor with the job Natori had offered. He was no match for Natori who seemed to be even stronger than Natsume and who was perfectly capable of protecting both of them. Tanuma, on the other hand, wasn't even able to protect himself. Natori could see spirits and right now, they had walked off to a world only the two of them could see. Ever since he had met Natsume, Tanuma had wished nothing more than to be part of this world. At first, he had thought that his ability to sense spirits would let him enter Natsume's world, but he soon had realized that it had closed as many doors to him as it had opened. He was weak to spirits and a constant bother to Natsume.

Spending time together had always felt nice, especially at school, where youkai were unlikely to appear which made Natsume feel more at ease. When not threatened by youkai, Natsume seemed to lighten up. He was still rather reserved but sometimes, Tanuma had noticed, Natsume would let his guard down. Sometimes for just mere seconds, Tanuma would have the feeling that Natsume was willing to accept what he had to offer but then his guard would be up again and Tanuma was wondering if he had done something wrong to scare the other boy away. He always had the fear of pushing too far, when it came to Natsume. Apparently, there were things he wasn't supposed to know. There were things he had to stay out of. He wanted to know so much more and to be so much closer to Natsume, but he didn't want the other boy to regret telling him about his ability to see spirits and therefore, he had to keep it all to himself.

It was fine, because like this, they'd be at least able to spend some time together. Either at school, or on their way home, or during some occasional meet ups to wander around or to play Shogi.

The job Natori had to offer apparently consisted of exorcising one youkai from a very old house. The inhabitants of the house had complained about weird noises and moving objects but up till now, no one had been able to locate their source. In the end, they had bestowed the task upon Natori who had unsuccessfully tried to catch the youkai for several days.

"So what's my part in this job," Natsume asked while the two of them were sitting in a train's compartment on their way to the town of their destination. Unfortunately, it hadn't been too close and Natsume had to call Touko-san to explain to her that he had suddenly gone to visit an old friend.

"You see, this youkai is particularly hard to locate. It's pretty good at hiding and I'd reckon that it might be easier to spot it when we're looking together," Natori explained with a sigh.

"You have Hiiragi and your other shiki to help you deal with it," Natsume retorted. He didn't like the idea of being dragged off to help with something that could have been perfectly done without him.

"Apparently, other Youkai can't enter the house," was Natori's answer, "I believe it's some kind of seal but I wasn't able to find it either."

Natsume rolled his eyes. "Fine," he then muttered and turned to look out of the window. Even though he had patiently listened to Natori's explanations, his thoughts had long ago left the train's compartment. He was thinking of Tanuma and his sad look. Even though Natsume felt great relief that Tanuma had simply agreed to stay out of this matter, he couldn't but feel guilty for letting his friend alone like that. Even though Natsume wanted to keep him as far away from youkai as possible, he never wanted to actually push him away as a person. For that, he treasured him too much and just as he didn't want for Tanuma to get hurt by youkai, he didn't want him being hurt in any other way. It had always been weird. At first, Natsume had felt relieved, whenever he was able to keep Tanuma away from anything supernatural but he soon started to notice Tanuma's reserved but hurt and disappointed looks and it made something inside of him ache. It wasn't that Tanuma was the only one whom he wanted to keep out of danger. It was the same for Taki, who also knew about his ability to see spirits. With Taki, though, things were always so much easier. Taki was a strong and independent girl who always kept a respectful distance but Natsume knew that whenever he needed her, he could count on her to be there for him. Like this, it was easier to share his secrets with Taki, because he knew that she'd never try to involve herself further than he asked her to. He could be sure that telling her to help out wouldn't lead her to run off into dangerous situations. Things were so much more rational with Taki. With Tanuma, however, Natsume never knew what to expect. Sometimes, one small thing was enough for Tanuma to get all worked up and to let go of any caution. He would never be satisfied with what Natsume felt comfortable about telling him, and he would do crazy things even though he knew next to nothing about what was going on. At first, Natsume had felt afraid of the other boy's strong feelings. The more someone cared for him, the more scared he got and in the end, he had felt like he had to keep Tanuma away from all those things. He didn't want to be cared for. But then he had found that he himself cared about Tanuma and his own feelings started to be a mess, whenever the two of them were together. Sometimes, it didn't even need spirits or danger for his heart to start skipping beats and he knew that he cared for Tanuma in a very different way than he cared for either his other friends, or Touko-san and Shigeru-san. Still, he would never show any of his feelings for he could never really get rid of his constant fear of inviting the other into a world that wasn't suited for him and that would make him leave Natsume as soon as he understood its full extent.

Trying to figure out his feelings always left Natsume very confused. He had never been good with people and he had never really experienced what it meant to care for someone. He wished there was someone whom he could ask but he wasn't sure if either Nishimura or Kitamoto were experienced enough themselves.

The train kept rattling on and the sun was slowly setting over the wide landscape. Natori, who had accepted Natsume's gloomy mood, had buried himself in a book and they had spent the rest of the ride without talking.

It was already dark when they had reached the haunted house and Natori led Natsume to the room he had been staying in for the last few days of his unsuccessful attempts to exorcise the youkai. An additional futon had been given to Natsume and the two of them had retreated for the night.

"You sure are gloomy today," Natori said while dropping down on his futon and watching Natsume unpack his few things.

"It's nothing," Natsume lied, "Your request was really sudden. That's all."

Natori shot him a doubting look but didn't say a thing. He was used to Natsume being reserved and uncommunicative with him and even though he liked to occasionally tease the boy, he decided for now to give him some rest.

"We'll start our search right in the morning," Natori finally said as the two of them had lain down on their futons."It's better for us to separate. Watch out for noises and obviously moved objects," he added but that was really all there was to say. The task seemed simple enough and they proceeded to lie in silence.

Natsume wasn't sure if Natori had already fallen asleep but he himself felt wide awake. His thoughts from earlier wouldn't leave him alone and he felt that he shouldn't be here. Instead of some far away house that was haunted by a youkai that had nothing to do with him, we wished that he could have gone home with Tanuma. He wished he could be here with Tanuma instead of Natori. They could lie here and talk and neither of them would feel alone. He remembered that one night when he had stayed over at Tanuma's place when they had been looking for the pieces of a broken mirror and how he wished that they could have spent a more peaceful night without the danger of sudden attacks. But instead, he was lying next to Natori, waiting for a day full of youkai hunt. He'd never be able to have this with Tanuma who, unlike Natori, couldn't see spirits and who was far too weak to them. Natsume cursed himself for just leaving his friend alone after being attacked. He felt creeping worry and a painful feeling in his chest that he couldn't place.

"Natori-san?" he muttered.

Soon he heard a sleepy "Hm?" in reply. Natori was listening.

"I've been wondering about something," Natsume begun quietly. He wasn't sure if Natori was the right person to ask. He was rather dodgy and Natsume never knew what was on his mind. Still, Natori was the only one he knew who was old and probably experienced enough to know. He was an actor after all and he got involved with lots of people. Maybe he would know?

"Have you ever liked someone?" he asked, not sure if he had chosen the right question.

At first, he thought, Natori wouldn't answer but after a pause, he finally spoke.

"I like lots of people," he said, "like for example my fans."

"I didn't mean it like that." Natsume was not sure how to rephrase his question for Natori to take it more seriously, "I mean, uh…"

He heard Natori snort. "There are also many women I like. If you mean this kind of 'like'."

Was it this that he wanted to know? Natsume wasn't sure. He had never known what it meant to actually like someone, so he couldn't really distinguish between different kinds of liking.

"I… I don't know. Would you mind telling me about it?" He shifted uncomfortably on his futon, glad that it was too dark for the other to see his face turning red. It wasn't something he would usually ask, but he hoped that for once Natori wouldn't mind.

"You see," Natori chuckled, "women are beautiful beings. They're even more beautiful when they smile so you'll always feel like you want them to be happy. Also, they're frail, so you'll want to protect them. They can be soft and kind and their touches can make you feel like you're melting. Which is what most people would tell you," he finally added dryly. "Personally, I think they're nice company every now and then. I like how they're excited over me and sometimes, it doesn't take too much effort of get one or two of them to…"

"Natori-san!" Natsume almost shouted in outrage. He had liked the first description so much more. The second one was rather disturbing and he was unsure if he wanted Natori to continue.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of," Natsume could swear that Natori was grinning, even though it was too dark to make out his face, "if you like someone that way, that's what you'd naturally want to do. You'd want to make them smile and you'd want to hug them, but you'd also want to be closer than you've been with anyone else and…"

"B…but," Natsume felt like he had to interrupt Natori's speech. "They don't know about your life as an exorcist, do they?"

Once again his question was followed by silence.

"They never do," was Natori's short answer and once again the two of them didn't speak.

"Is it possible to like someone who isn't part of your world?" Natsume finally asked, "Doesn't it hurt? Doesn't it make you feel incredibly lonely?"

He heard Natori let out a deep sigh.

"It did hurt," he said, "but I've thrown these things away a long time ago."

"I thought you liked them?" Natsume asked again.

"I like lots of people," was the answer, "but I don't love them."

"So it's impossible for people of our kind…?" This was what Natsume had thought all along but it hurt anyway. He felt his heart clench with loneliness and despair.

"No."

Natsume turned his head in Natori's direction, unsure of the meaning of his reply.

"It's possible alright," Natori explained.

"But you've just said…" Natsume felt confused.

"I never said it was easy," Natori's voice softened, "but it's something you really need."

"But what you said earlier… This doesn't make too much sense," Natsume wondered why Natori was telling him all those things.

"Well, what do you think?" was Natori's only reply and Natsume knew that Natori wasn't really expecting him to answer.

For several minutes they lay quietly and Natsume felt sleep finally creeping in.

"Natori-san," he whispered again.

"Hm?" came the usual reply.

"Thank you for saving us earlier," he mumbled and he felt like he heard Natori snort again, but so softly that he could have imagined it.

Natsume had expected the next morning to be rather awkward. He wasn't sure what had made him ask those questions and now that the sun was shining, he wondered why he couldn't just have kept his thoughts to himself. To his great surprise, however, Natori had either forgotten about their talk or had decided to drop it on purpose, for he didn't make a single comment on the discussed topic. During their short breakfast they talked about the upcoming exorcism and shortly after, Natsume found himself shoved out of the room with the instruction to start his search with the attic.

With a deep sigh Natsume looked up at the stairs which led to the next floor. He had assured Natori of his assistance but on the inside he didn't feel too eager to participate in the exorcism of a youkai he knew next to nothing about. Some of them were nasty creatures but then again, some were quite nice. Didn't Natori see that they could be just as diverse as humans?

He had just placed his foot on the first stair when he suddenly heard something heavy fall in the room right above him. Smaller objects seemed to roll over the floor and then there were hurried footsteps. His previous thoughts forgotten, Natsume rushed forwards, taking three steps at a time. It took him no time to reach the room where he had heard the noises but when he had just slid open the door with a quick shove he found it to be completely empty. On the ground, right in front of him, some pots were lying around next to a chest of drawers that had been turned over. His gaze wandered to a pile of clothes that sat on the floor, neatly folded, not far from the place where the chest had seemed to stand before its sudden fall. Natsume scanned the messy room. Some of its parts were covered in dust, others however looked surprisingly tidy. It seemed like someone had been cleaning. But the house's inhabitants had left early in the morning and beside Natori and himself, there couldn't be…

Suddenly, he felt something move behind him and the next moment, there were hands on his back and he felt himself being pulled backwards. Everything happed so fast that he couldn't even scream. He was dragged to the side, out of the room into another and only as the hands had relaxed their grip on him, did Natsume look up to see that he was surrounded by large pieces of old furniture. He crouched, expecting an attack at any moment, but nothing like that happened. The hands that had pulled him into the room had retreated and he once again heard quick footsteps. Not sure how to react, Natsume kept his crouched position waiting for more noises but the room around him stayed quiet. Nothing seemed to happen and he finally gave in to his curiosity. Slowly Natsume turned around. Even more furniture came into his vision but there, from behind of one of the smaller closets, someone was looking at him.

Natsume saw the outline of a head covered with long wavy silver hair and two pointed horns. The figure's face was covered with a mask. The face clumsily drawn on the mask looked kind even though its simple eyes seemed to hold a deep sadness. Without doubt, hiding behind the closet was the youkai that Natori had made him search. Neither of them moved and they kept staring at each other from the distance.

"Do… do you live in this house?" Natsume asked. His gaze was still fixed on the youkai.

It nodded and moved an inch from behind the closet so Natsume could now take a better look at its appearance.

The youkai was clearly a girl, her small body dressed in an old flowery kimono of pink tones. She didn't look dangerous in the slightest, Natsume thought and his heart clenched as he reminded himself of why he was standing here in the first place.

"What's your name?" was his second question.

"Mitsuho," she replied in a small voice.

"When I came in, have you been… cleaning the room?" Natsume felt that finding out as much as possible about the youkai was the least he could do. Maybe there would be a chance to change Natori's mind about Mitsuho. Maybe she wasn't bothering anyone. Maybe they could just leave her be.

"I have," she said, "but then I knocked over some shelves… I'm always so clumsy!" her tone was almost desperate, "I keep bumping into things and sometimes I accidently drop them. I feel like I scare the people in this house, but I don't do it on purpose… Please…" she suddenly moved from behind the cupboard and fell onto her knees in front of Natsume, "I know why you're here, but please, don't make me leave! I love those people, even though they can't see me… I can't just leave them alone…!"

Natsume stood there, bewildered by Mitsuho's sudden outburst. "I… Why are you telling me?" he started.

"You have kind eyes," Mitsuho looked up at him pleadingly, "You look like you might understand… The other one didn't even stop to listen…"

Natori. Natsume swore inside of his head. What was he thinking? Had he really decided to get rid of the youkai as if it were nothing but another job? A simple routine?

"Please," Mitsuho kept begging, "I'm these people's guardian. I keep their house safe from other youkai, I try to help them out as much as I can… I try to maintain the old rooms and the garden… I watch them all the time and those people are so dear to me…" her voice became so soft that Natsume could barely hear her last words.

Just listening to her was painful. Her kind attempts to help were invisible to those whom she tried to protect and now, scared of the unknown, they had tried to get rid of her. Still, she was begging to stay with them. She didn't deserve to be exorcised, he thought. Maybe, it was a good thing that he had come after all because he was probably the only person who might have a chance to change Natori's mind.

"It's ok, don't worry," he tried to sound as gentle and reassuring as possible, "I'll talk to Natori-san about it. We'll surely find a way…" but he wasn't even able to finish his sentence. He was interrupted by an abrupt noise, the door to the room flew open and he saw a chain of paper figures fly trough the air and circle around Mitsuho. Caught by surprise, Mitsuho crouched, trying to protect her head but the paper figures wouldn't let go of her.

"Natori-san!" Natsume shouted while he rushed forward to Mitsuho, trying to tug at the figures that had attached themselves to her. There was only one person whom those paper figures could belong to. "Don't touch her! There's something you need to know!" He knew Natori was near and he hoped he could hear him.

"Get away," he heard Natori's voice and when he turned around, he saw him standing in the doorframe. He looked concentrated, obviously ready to start with what was required for the youkai's exorcism. As if he had waited for Mitsuho to lose her guard. A blunt realization hit Natsume and his tugs on the paper figures became even more desperate.

"You asked me to come because you wanted to use me as a distraction," he spat through gritted teeth, his eyes fixed on Natori.

"Natsume, you always forget: A youkai does not belong with people. It doesn't belong in their house. Now move!" Natori said. His voice was agitated and impatient.

"I refuse," Natsume shouted back, "Who are we to decide on where they belong? This youkai means no harm, she loves those people, she's only trying to help…" with this words he finally managed to rip the chain of paper figures. Under his touch, he felt Mitsuho shift violently and the next moment, a great power seemed to burst from her. The paper figures around her burnt to ashes and she suddenly shot upwards. The ceiling smashed, letting pieces of wood rain down into the room and then Mitsuho was gone.

Natsume stared at the hole in the ceiling through which Mitsuho had escaped. He felt relief but this feeling soon made place for flaming anger.

"How could you?" he shouted turning around to face Natori.

"The inhabitants of this house asked me to get rid of the haunting. It's my job, I can't just leave it like that," he sad in an unexpectedly calm tone. His eyes were hidden behind his glasses' reflection.

"You know how I hate to treat all youkai the same and what I think of the exorcising business," Natsume stood up and made his way past Natori, outside of the room, "still you asked me to come. You do this again and again exploiting my good will. I won't help you any longer though."

He thought Natori would follow him outside, but he kept standing in that room, not even turning around, as Natsume had walked past him. Natsume didn't care. He rushed through the corridor, down the stairs until he finally was outside in the garden. The house had felt like it was pressing down on him from all sides and his thoughts were racing. He was still seeing Mitsuho's masked face and those sad eyes as she was pleading to let her stay. It had never been her fault. She seemed to have done so much good and cared so deeply for the house's inhabitant, but all they would notice was her clumsiness that would scare them because they were blind to its source. It was sad enough that she would go unnoticed despite trying to help all the time… and now she was even about to be driven off for good. This couldn't be right. This was cruel.

But Mitsuho seemed to be strong and without his help it would be highly difficult for Natori to find her again. He wouldn't help Natori and later he would ask him to return home. For now however, he decided to stay in the garden. The trees around him had a calming effect on his agitated nerves and he sat down on the grass in the shadow of a particularly old tree. From his new position he had an exceptional view on the old house and Natsume wondered how old exactly it might be and if Mitsuho had lived in there from the very beginning. How many generations of the family had she watched living there?

The time around Natsume seemed to have stood still, as he sat under the tree, simply enjoying the calmness of the moment. He therefore couldn't say how much time had passed since his arrival, when he suddenly noticed movements in the tree's shadow. He was sure that there had not been any wind that day and was just about to dismiss it as a big bird, when something black shot out from the tree and raced towards the house. That was clearly no bird and with horror Natsume realized that it had to be a youkai. But Natori had sad that youkai couldn't enter the house. What had happened?

The black youkai had how landed on the roof of the house, visibly struggling with something and Natsume could finally make out its form. Its whole body was black and seemed to emit some kind of faint smoke when it moved. Its face only consisted of a mouth with sharp teeth and its head was round and bald. Its body was dressed in a ragged yukata that once would have been white and it wore old loose bandaged on its limbs. Still struggling, the youkai seemed to finally muster the strength to fight whatever had stopped it and the next moment it vanished inside the house, breaking one of the roof's windows.

Without further thinking Natsume dashed towards the house. He wasn't sure what it was after. At first, for a brief moment, he had thought that it was there for him, but as it had visibly ignored him, it had to be after something different. As he ran through one of the houses dark corridors, he wondered where he was even going. The youkai had entered the house through the roof but by now it could have gone anywhere. Unsure where to turn next, he almost ran into Natori, who had just appeared from one of the rooms. His face looked concerned when he narrowly dodged Natsume and reached for his arm to stop the boy from falling. Their previous conflict forgotten, Natsume stared at Natori.

"There's a youkai somewhere in here," Natsume managed to get out, "I saw it, as it got inside!"

"I know. I've sensed a new presence. And it's not a nice one, I dare say," was Natori's serious answer, "It's particularly strong too."

"We have to find it as soon as possible!" There were many questions Natsume wanted to ask, but he decided that questions could wait.

The two of them made their way towards the attic, where Natsume hoped to find the intruder, but before they had even reached the top of the staircase, they heard a piercing scream and a roar. It came from the top floor and Natsume knew that it was Mitsuho.

"Over there," Natsume shouted and rushed up the stairs. Natori was following him close behind. The loud roars were showing them the right direction and it didn't take them long to reach the room where the noises were coming from. They stopped for a brief moment, exchanging looks and then Natori finally slid the door open.

The picture that lay out in front of them was a violent one. Some of the room's furniture had been knocked over. Parts of them were broken and lying all over the floor. In the middle of the room stood Mitsuho with her arms stretched out, visibly hurt. In front of her was towering the black youkai and right behind her, on the wall, was a giant gleaming seal. It seemed that she was trying to guard it with her body.

It didn't take long for the situation to sink in and Natsume knew that he had to help Mitsuho. Without further thinking he dashed forward, escaping Natori's hand that had tried to hold him back and rushed at the black youkai.

"What are you doing, it's far too strong for you!" he heard Natori shout, but he didn't care. He could almost feel Mitsuho's desperate emotions. The seal was something incredibly important to her and she would do anything to protect it.

Natsume did the first thing that came to his mind. He tried to distract the youkai by throwing a piece of broken furniture at its head and when it turned around to face him, he grabbed some of its loose bandages and tried to tug it away from Mistuho. A stupid idea. The youkai didn't shift an inch. Instead its mouth contorted into a sardonic grin and suddenly it lashed out at Natsume. He tried to dodge the youkai's long arms but the room was too crowded and his back instantly bumped into a large wardrobe. Wood burst as the youkai's arm met the wardrobe only inches from Natsume's head and he felt a sharp pull on the hem of his shirt. He fell to the ground just as the youkai hit the wardrobe where his face had been only a mere second ago.

"Stay away," he heard Natori shout while holding him down.

"I know you don't care!" Natsume was desperate, "You don't care if it eats Mitsuho, you want her gone anyway. That would be so convenient!"

"Stay away from the seal," he heard Natori's voice once again and with an odd feeling he realized that he was shouting at Mitsuho. "It's not worth it! Get away!"

"I can't," Mitsuho's voice was small but steady, "It's what keeps this house safe. It's what keeps me here. I've been distracted for a moment so I let him in, but as long as the seal is safe, he won't be able to take over this house." She was staring at the black youkai, "I'm not going to let anything happen to this house. I want the people to be able to come back safely. Even though they don't know about my existence… they'll notice when I'm gone and I can't let that happen," her voice was cracking now, "I've seen them grow up… I've guarded them for their whole lives. I can't make them come back to a truly haunted house. They need me… And I… I need them too. I'm nothing without this house." Suddenly the black youkai had leapt forward once again. Mitsuho was thrown to the ground, her silvery hair tangled around her, but she was strong. While the youkai's bandages kept wrapping themselves around her body, she still managed to keep the cruel mouth away from her face by pressing at the youkai's head. Her arms were glowing in a soft pink light, but suddenly the light seemed to flicker and the youkai dropped down at her.

Natsume could only stare at them with wide eyes. Something shot past him and the youkai roared, tossing its head back. Its mouth was full with bunches of silver hair. At first, Natsume couldn't make out what happened but then he saw it: A chain of paper figures had circled the youkai's neck and was now keeping it away from Mitsuho who was still lying on the floor. The youkai had managed to tear away a big part of her hair and her mask had cracked but otherwise she seemed all right.

Natsume looked back at Natori, not understanding what had just happened.

"We need more time if we want to exorcise this black thing," Natori said dryly.

"What?" Natsume wasn't sure if he had heard right.

"I need time to prepare the seal," Natori explained, "just the black one," he added at Natusme's unbelieving look, "but the paper figures won't last for long…"

Just as if to prove his words, the youkai that had been struggling to free its neck from the sudden restraint, had finally managed to tear through the chain. Scraps of paper rained down on the floor.

"Then I'll do it!" Natsume shouted, determined to be of any help he could.

"But you can't hold it off on your own…" Natori retorted, summoning another chain of paper figures that shot towards the youkai.

"Yes, I can!" He wouldn't need to defeat the youkai. All he had to do was to buy some time. He should be able to do that. The feeling of being useless was eating him up inside.

Before he could be held back again, he rushed forward.

Once again, he tried tearing at the youkai's bandages. The paper figures had now slung themselves around the youkai's arms and with their joint efforts they managed to move it further away from Mitsuho. Behind him, Natsume could hear Natori hurriedly preparing the exorcism.

He could see Mitsuho's grateful face behind the youkai's giant form and he was sure they would be able to do this. Mitsuho deserved to live, he thought.

At the same moment, however, one of the paper chains suddenly tore. The youkai swung its freed arm, ripping apart the second chain and before Natsume could even think, he was hit in the stomach with such a fierce power that he was sent flying through the air. His head collided painfully with the wall and he slid to the ground. When he tried to look up, his vision was blurry and he could barely make out the outlines of Natori and the youkai that had once again leapt at Mitsuho. He heard her scream and then the nasty sound of something tearing apart. Natori was cursing and his heart was almost standing still. Natsume tried to pull himself together but all he could manage was to slightly shift his body. He could hear Mitsuho struggle against her attacker but her attempts seemed to become weaker every second.

"Hold in there!" he heard Natori shout, "My seal's almost ready!" Paper figures were shooting around the room, spreading paper seals all over its floor and walls.

"It's ok…" he suddenly heard Mitsuho's calm voice. The struggle had stopped. "I didn't want to leave this house. I didn't want to leave its people. I didn't care if they'd never thank me… I just wanted to be with them, because without them, I would have been incredibly lonely…"

Then, there was a loud roar and once again, Natori was cursing and dashing forward. Natsume tried opening his eyes even wider but his surroundings were still too blurry to make out details. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. From behind the youkai he heard the sound of sharp teeth sinking into a body and a disgusting swallow. The next moment the youkai rose. It was now approaching the wall with the house's seal. It seemed to struggle against an invisible power but it moved forward steadily and it was just about to raise its arms to lash out at the wall when the room was suddenly filled with a blazing light. It seemed to come from the floor and Natsume was finally able to make out a small vessel that the youkai had walked over.

With a shrill scream, the youkai was pulled back. It had finally realized that it was caught. Natori was standing right in front of Natsume, performing the exorcism and Natsume felt incredibly helpless, lying there and watching the terrible youkai struggle against being sucked into the vessel. A swoosh and a pop and it was gone. Natori dashed forward and quickly placed a seal on the vessel. Then everything was over.

The two of them were standing in a devastated room. The furniture was broken and the floor littered with wood and paper.

Natsume stared blankly at the scene that lay out in front of him. It was over. Just like that. Mitsuho was gone and he had been utterly useless. Their intrusion had cost her life and he felt desperation creeping up in his stomach. If the house's people hadn't been so blind, if they could have accepted Mitsuho this wouldn't have happened. If the hadn't been so weak, he could have saved her. He felt a tear run down his face and he couldn't care to even move when Natori finally kneeled in front of him.

"I'm sorry," he heard him saying, "I hadn't planned it to end like that."

"Really, what do you care…" Natsume finally managed to bring out, "for you it's just another job. You think all youkai are the same."

His words were followed by a long pause.

"No," Natori finally said, "I don't. But people who can't see tend to treat them all the same. They're blind to their diversity and all they want is to have them gone."

"I wish this house's people could see her…" Natsume whispered, "They would have seen something so wonderful…"

"Unfortunately, people can't choose to see youkai," Natori sighed, "But it's sad indeed. Because often we don't even see things we might be able to see perfectly… if we'd just take a closer look."

Natsume didn't know what to reply. His feelings were tearing at him and he felt like breaking apart.

"Why did you ask me to come…?" he finally asked.

"Because Natsume is someone who'll always find a way," Natori replied softly, "the people wanted the thing that was haunting their house gone. But exorcising a youkai isn't always the only way to make it leave."

"I don't always find a way," Natsume said bitterly, lifting his arm to hide his eyes, "this time I didn't."

"But next time, you will," he felt Natori's hand on his shoulder, "Learn from this experience and next time you will do better. I'm sure."

Natsume was thankful for those reassuring words but still, inside he felt so very empty.

Later, Natori had helped Natsume out of the room and outside into the garden where they had silently spent the hours until the family's return. It hurt Natsume to see Natori collect his reward, because obviously, the haunting had stopped forever.

Their ride home had been silent as well. Natori had insisted on escorting Natsume right to his guardians' house and he was happy to be able to pass his dull expression for fatigue when Touko had worriedly greeted him at the entrance.

"It was a nice trip," he had said, "we had lots of fun hiking in the mountains, so I'm beat now." He managed a faint smile. "Natori-san took good care of me," he said looking at Natori giving him to understand that he was no longer blaming him.

He then left for his room while Touko was still busy thanking Natori for always inviting Natsume to spend time together.

There, ignoring Nyanko-Sensei's nagging about his absence and the lack of food, he let himself drop onto his futon. He felt incredibly tiered but sleep didn't come.

In front of his inner eye he kept seeing Mitsuho. The kind face on her mask, her beautiful hair, and her soft voice. He wondered how things would have turned out if the family could have seen her. Things could have been so wonderful. For all that Mitsuho had done, she deserved thanks. At least something as small as that… He had seen so many youkai go, but this time it was different. It had left behind pain he didn't know he could feel. It was, as if it had stirred something deep inside of him that had been hidden there for a very long time. Something that had been there even before he had known about Mitsuho.

He felt terribly weak. Not only because he had failed to fight the black youkai, but also because he had failed to actually help Mitsuho. He could have tried talking to the family. Tried explaining. Tried to give her what she deserved. Tried to make her happy.

He turned around on his futon.

During their entire ride home, he hadn't talked to Natori about his feelings. He had understood that Natori had never intended on simply exorcising Mitsuho. Sometimes, Natori turned out to be very different from his shady outward appearance. Still, he didn't feel like he could speak to him freely about what had happened. He wasn't even sure how to put what he was thinking because if seemed so much more complicated than that.

He turned around once again and tried to wrap his blanket even tighter around himself. What he really wanted right now wasn't talking but someone who would simply hold him. A simple touch that would make the pain go away.

The next day Natsume was glad that it was Sunday and that he wouldn't have to leave the house. This would give him enough time to deal with his thoughts and to sort them out.

For a short time he was contemplating to call Tanuma. He was still feeling guilty about his sudden leave but everything seamed so distant now. He wished to be able to tell Tanuma about Mitsuho but once again, this was youkai stuff and he really didn't want to bother him with something like that. He wanted to ask him over to spend some time together but then he would have to explain things and having to tell Tanuma about how he had spent so much time with Natori made him feel even guiltier.

Therefore, he decided to stay alone. He was determined to be his usual self at school tomorrow so that nobody would have to worry. He buried himself in homework and as the night came around, he hoped that the feelings of guilt would have subsided. Still, when he finally lay on his futon, engulfed by darkness, his thoughts were as vivid as the night before. Guilty feelings mixed with desperate helplessness and he once again kept turning around on his futon, wishing for sleep's oblivion.

Monday was especially difficult. Natsume felt devastated. He had lain awake for the greatest part of the night and the few hours of sleep had brought him nightmares that caused him to relive the moments of anxiety he desperately wished to forget.

The weather was bad and even though it wasn't raining yet, the grey sky didn't really help to lighten up Natsume's mood.

He felt glad that he hadn't met any of his friends on his was to class and that Nishimura, who never liked Mondays himself, easily mistook his mood for general grumpiness that was widely spread among students on Monday mornings. Natsume sat through class without even paying attention. He felt incredibly tired but not only because of the lack of sleep but also because his thoughts were still racing around in his brain. Thinking them over again and again didn't seem to calm him down in the slightest. With a deep sigh, he rested his head on his book and felt his eyes finally close.

The next thing he heard was laughter. "You sure look tired!" Nishimura noticed cheerfully, "I wonder what you've been doing during weekend."

"Oh, it's nothing," Natsume replied, trying to dismiss his friend's curiosity, "I haven't slept too well, but it's not that bad."

Even though he noticed Nishimura's unbelieving look, at this moment, he couldn't care less. All he wanted was for school to end. But he also knew that he wouldn't be able to hide in the classroom forever. "You've slept through the greatest part of the lesson," Nishimura laughed, "you're lucky the teacher didn't notice. Anyway, it's lunch break now! Time to go!" With these words he started tugging on Natsume's arm to make him stand up from his seat.

They usually ate lunch together with the others. When the weather was good, they would eat outside, but as the weather was bad and it was prone to rain, he found himself being dragged off up the stairs and into a quiet corridor, where they sometimes too spent their lunch breaks.

Kitamoto and Tanuma were already there. They were sitting on the floor under the window, waiting for them.

"What took you two so long?" Kitamoto asked with a smile.

"Natsume is so sleepy today," Nishimura laughed, "right, Natsume? It took you so long to finally wake up!"

"It's nothing, really," Natsume said, trying to force a smile onto his face while he dropped on the floor next to Tanuma. He wanted to shift closer for their shoulders to touch, but something inside of him held him back. Tanuma had turned to look at him for just one moment and his kind but sad eyes were clearly asking him a question he couldn't say out loud.

"I had trouble falling asleep," Natsume explained lamely, "Sometimes, things like that happen."

Kitamoto and Nishimura didn't really care. A sleepy Natsume was funny but not for too long and they had already gone off to chatting about their plans for later that day and how the weather looked too bad to go outside.

Shifting uncomfortably, Natsume unpacked his lunch and slowly started eating. Sitting next to Tanuma usually calmed him down, but today it made him feel even lonelier. He wished to simply take his hand and pull him somewhere where there would be just the two of them and then he would tell him everything that had happened and Tanuma would smile at him and lightly pat him on the shoulder or softly stroke his arm or maybe, he would even hug him and hold him close, so that Natsume wouldn't have to say any more. But Natsume knew that this was nothing but wishful thinking. Tanuma wasn't even looking at him. Instead he was silently staring in front of him, obviously trying to seem interested in their friends' conversation. His gaze however was blank and Natsume knew that he wasn't really listening.

"We should walk home together later," is something Natsume wanted to say, but he couldn't. He felt that without an explanation, he had no right to force Tanuma into keeping him company. But an explanation was something he couldn't offer. With a deep sigh, he once again occupied himself with his lunch and hoped that the school day would be over soon.

The hours crept past in an awfully slow pace and while the weather kept getting worse with dark clouds covering the sky Natsume felt that the day would never end. He spent the next lessons sitting at his desk without moving and when it was finally time to go home and Nishimura had waved him goodbye, he kept sitting there, staring outside of the window.

He didn't know how long he had sat there and in the end, he decided to finally stand up and make his way down the stairs towards the school's exit.

To his great surprise, he was not alone. Right next to the exit, leaning against a wall, stood Tanuma.

"Oh…" was the only sound that escaped Natsume's mouth. Had Tanuma been waiting for him?

"Uhm…" Tanuma wasn't looking at him, "I… I wonder if you'd like to walk home together…" he finally said, "and… and maybe come over to my place? To play some Shogi, that is." He turned his head and offered Natsume a weak smile.

Natsume felt something inside of him jump. He had not expected for Tanuma to wait for him and even less had he expected to be invited over to his place. It had always been Shogi. Their usual excuse to spend time together and to pretend to be busy so they wouldn't have to talk about anything in particular. Just sitting together, thinking about how to move their next tile, had always been good enough for them.

"Sure," Natsume said simply and nodded, "I'd love to."

As they started to walk slowly, both of them were silent. They simply kept walking next to each other and Natsume could feel the awkwardness between them. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He had hoped that being alone with Tanuma would finally do the magic of calming him down, but it had done nothing like that. Right now, Natsume thought, he'd do anything to feel comfortable around each other again. He knew that if Tanuma asked him right now, he would tell him everything. But Tanuma didn't ask and he himself didn't dare to bring it up on his own.

"Come on, ask me!" Natsume thought, "Ask me. Do something. Please… Anything…" His mood was pressing down on him just like the heavy clouds that were gathering above them. Soon it would rain. They had to hurry. Wordlessly they increased their pace and just when they had reached Tanuma's home, the first raindrops were starting to drip from the skies, quickly increasing in number.

"We made it just in time," Tanuma said, as he opened the door to let Natsume in. The house was empty, so his father seemed to be away once again. Natsume wondered how long he was gone already and the thought of Tanuma staying alone in the big old temple made his heart clench.

"Yes, the rain is pretty heavy," Natsume said, glad to have an innocent topic to talk about.

"I'll go get the Shogi. Make yourself at home," with these words Tanuma disappeared in one of the rooms and Natsume could hear him rummaging in a closet.

It didn't take them long to position their tiles on the board but neither of them seemed to want to make the first move. They simply sat there, the Shogi board between them, both staring out of the window and into the heavy rain. Natsume watched the ripples on the water of the pond in the garden, fully knowing that he was the only one to see this sight. They were seeing two different worlds and Natsume always wondered if there had ever been enough to actually connect them. Sometimes, though, Natsume didn't care. He didn't care that he could see spirits and that Tanuma could not. Because sometimes, there would be no spirits around and then, everything Natsume would care about would be the comfortable feeling he had every time he was close to Tanuma. He would feel the other's touch and then look into his face and his heart would skip a beat. Tanuma's gaze was always so soft and made Natsume feel accepted in a strange but reassuring way. Sometimes, Tanuma's face would be sad and thoughtful and Natsume would feel like he had to do something to cheer his friend up, because his smiles always felt so precious. When Tanuma would be absent from school, which happened every now and then, Natsume would be worried and would rush to pay his friend a visit to make sure everything was fine. No matter if youkai or a simple cold, he just had to make sure, the other was safe.

His gaze once again wandered over to Tanuma who was sitting silently, staring at the rain. His shoulders were slumped and he looked awfully lost. He was clearly uncomfortable with the silence and Natsume felt the sudden urge to reach out for him. Unsure what to think, his mind kept wandering and suddenly, there were Natori's words in his head. He remembered their embarrassing talk the night before he had met Mitsuho and he couldn't but wonder if he liked Tanuma the way, Natori had described. He simply didn't know. He had never felt so close to anyone and he had never wished so much to be able to share his secrets. Still, Natsume wasn't like other people. Was he even allowed to like someone? He had noticed a long time ago that the stronger his feeling for Tanuma became, the more scared he got of what could go wrong. Of how he could drag the other too deep into a world where he did neither belong, nor wanted to be and that in the end he would blame Natsume and leave him for good. Natsume didn't know what to do but he couldn't leave it as that. Things were so much easier when youkai weren't involved and then it kind of came to his mind.

The things he had experienced at the haunted house weren't just about youkai. In the first place, they were about feelings. What did it matter that Mitsuho had been a youkai. Wasn't he always the one who tried to treat humans and youkai alike? Her desperate feelings had been real. They could have just as well belonged to a human. The same was for his own guilty feeling of being helpless. He had failed to help Mitsuho as a person. She could have been human or youkai… that didn't change the feeling of failure.

Natsume gulped. Maybe… Maybe, if he just chose the right words. If he managed to put things in a certain way, he might be able to talk to Tanuma without having to tell him about the youkai. Maybe, he would be able to share his feelings with him, without giving away too much of what had happened.

"Uhm…" he said, "about what happened during weekend…"

He saw Tanuma suddenly turn to him with wide eyes and wondered if he had said the right thing.

"I… I can't tell you everything," he stammered, "but the thing is, I got into a situation that was actually very difficult for me to handle."

"It's ok," he heard Tanuma's soft voice, "you don't have to tell me anything. But I'm glad that you've decided to share at least some of your thoughts." He smiled, but Natsume noticed that it was only his mouth that had formed into a smile. His eyes remained thoughtful.

"Well," Natsume continued slowly, searching for the right words, "Natori-san and I, we got into some kind of incident and… it made me realize that even though I tried my best, I couldn't be there for someone who really needed me. I was far too weak and during the most important moment, I couldn't do anything but watch."

He heard Tanuma shift uncomfortably, but didn't look at him. The memories of Mitsuho kept rushing into him and he couldn't avert his eyes from the rain. All the pain was suddenly there again.

"You know… Someone who really really deserved to be protected… It was my fault everything happened in the first place and I just…" his voice broke and he let his head bow, his fringe falling into his eyes.

Tanuma stared at Natsume. It was plainly visible how much pain those thoughts were causing him. Those feelings made Natsume suffer and Tanuma felt that the only thing Natsume needed most was someone to be there for him. Someone strong to hug him and to hold him until all those thoughts would go away. He wished, he could be that one person, but right now, he felt even more than ever that this one person wasn't him.

Natsume had gone off with Natori. Someone who saw the same world as Natsume did and who was strong enough to actually protect him from those threats that Tanuma couldn't even see. Had something happened to Natori on their journey? Had Natsume failed to protect Natori? Tanuma wasn't sure but it seemed so very likely. And this thought, he surprisingly noticed, hurt. It hurt so much more than the usual reserved rejections and apologetic smiles and friendly distance. He knew too well what it meant to be the weak one. Not to be able to protect the person who was most important to him. But to know that Natsume felt the same way about somebody else made him painfully realize his own insignificance. He was nothing but Natsume's friend from school. He knew his secret and therefore received more trust than people who didn't know, but in the end, that was all. He had always hoped for Natsume to show any kind of genuine feelings towards him, but then there he was, suffering like that over somebody else. Still, Natsume meant the world to him and he couldn't just watch him like that. Maybe being a friend from school was as far as he could go. In the end, Natsume had decided to share his thoughts with him. He did trust him. Even if he was mostly invisible to him despite all his attempts to gain his attention. He didn't care. He would be there for him anyway.

"I understand," Tanuma said and stood up to walk over to Natsume where he let himself fall on the floor right next to his friend, "I know how that feels…" He put his hand on Natsume's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. He felt Natsume shiver under his touch and placed his other hand on Natsume's head, softly stroking his hair, "You're the strongest person I know," he said, "Please don't feel that way. Sometimes, we might not be able to protect someone, but then we learn from our mistakes and for you it's still possible to grow even stronger. Don't give up. Next time, you'll be able to save everyone."

Natsume had not expected for Tanuma to come so close. He could feel the warmth of his hands and all of him wanted to lean further into his touch.

"I've also learnt something very important," Natsume continued hesitantly. The thoughts of his own weakness had reminded him of what Mitsuho had really deserved and what not even he could have been able to give her. "Sometimes, we might love someone and do anything for them. We would be by their side all the time and we wouldn't even want anything in return." He gulped, "And then… we would be also completely invisible to them and they'd even want to get rid of us. I've never experienced something like that before. Throughout my life I've always been nearly invisible to so many people, but I didn't care for any of them… This, however, is so much different." He kept talking without even thinking now, "Until now, I could have never imagined the pain that comes with this feeling… I really wish things were different. I wish some people wouldn't have to be blind to the love that's being offered to them…" He could still feel Tanuma's hands on him, but the grip on his shoulder had loosened. The other hand was now motionlessly sitting on top of hid head.

Natsume's words had hit him deeply. He knew those feelings and he had always wished for things to be different. But being reminded by nobody else than Natsume how much those feelings hurt, made him feel like dying inside. It was tough to constantly offer his feelings to someone who was either oblivious or ignorant on purpose. Natsume didn't need him. He had someone much better to look up to and whom he apparently was ready to fight for. Suddenly, Tanuma felt completely alone. Even though he had decided not to care if Natsume returned his feelings or not, he couldn't bear to let Natsume go. Because without Natsume, he knew, he would be so incredibly lonely himself. It had never only been about supporting Natsume. It had also been about supporting himself, trying to cling to Natsume, to be pulled along with him, to let him take away that awful loneliness. Natsume had been Tanuma's first real friend and for the first time, Tanuma had felt like he was needed. He had been so glad when Natsume had shared his secret with him. He was glad about anything Natsume decided to share, but apparently, talking about those things couldn't replace actually being able to experience them together. Natsume was slowly but surely slipping through his fingers and he felt an embarrassing burn in his eyes. He remembered well when he had felt like this for the last time. It had been right after the Omibashira incident, when he had stupidly run off to free Natsume from an enchanted glass. He had felt so useless and guilty and afraid to lose Natsume. Now however, he felt that without noticing, he had already lost him.

His hands trembled, as he slowly let go of Natsume and he tried to back off as cautiously as possible. He didn't know where to go or where to hide and he felt embarrassing tears run down his face. This was the worst. A clear demonstration of his weakness.

At first, Natsume didn't understand why Tanuma had suddenly removed his hands, but when he looked up into his friend's face, his mind went blank. What had happened? Had he done something wrong? He knew he wasn't good at this… He felt panic rise in his throat. He had never seen Tanuma cry like that and it was a terrible feeling. His own heart felt like breaking at the sight of his friend's pain and his sudden attempt to put some distance between them. Unsure of what to do, Natsume hurriedly stammered the first thing that came into his mind: "I… I'm sorry! I'm sorry for telling you all this!" he tried to slide backwards on the floor to give his friend some space. Once again, he felt utterly helpless. Had he gone too far? Had he said too much? Had his feelings been a bother for Tanuma? "I'm so sorry," he kept apologizing, "I'll never do this again, I promise!"

Even though the sudden distance had been a relief, the next moment it had made Tanuma feel even more lost. He desperately tried to wipe away the tears that wouldn't stop and helplessly looked over to Natsume. But when the other boy had started apologizing, Tanuma felt another stab right to his heart. With his outburst of weakness he had pushed Natsume away. Once again he was bothering him. But he couldn't bear to lose him. He didn't want to be responsible for having pushed away the only person he had really cared about.

"No," Tanuma spluttered, "don't say that! It's not your fault! You haven't done anything wrong, it's just…. I don't even know," he tried wiping at his tears and forced himself to as much of as smile as he could manage, "Don't mind me. I understand your feelings all too well. Please keep telling me about them. Even though I might not be able to make your pain go away… I still want to be there for you. You don't have to take me wherever you need to go. You don't have to mind me, really, it's ok. I don't need anything in return. Just… don't send me away…"

And suddenly, for Natsume it was the haunted house all over again. It was like in just one instant, everything fell into place. Mitsuho's feelings that had caused him so much pain, his own feeling of weakness and uselessness, he could suddenly see all of them in Tanuma. How could he not notice? "Often we don't even see things we might be able to see perfectly…" Natori's words kept echoing in his head.

"I've been so blind…" Natsume whispered.

He had always been so busy trying to keep Tanuma safe that he never had cared to notice how he was constantly pushing him away. Blind to his wholehearted attempts to help him, to his selfless sacrifices, to all the support he was constantly trying to offer, too shy and too afraid to cross the invisible line that Natsume had set up for himself.

He knew how youkai affected Tanuma and that the spirit world was full of things Tanuma couldn't even imagine. But than again, Tanuma always made up for his lack of sight with an incredibly vivid imagination. Often he would get things wrong, but this never stopped him from trying.

Natsume knew how much he craved Tanuma's support. It hadn't taken him long to notice how he secretly wished for the two of them to be closer. How he wished for Tanuma to take charge in certain situations, because he didn't feel that he could invite the other into anything involving himself. He had grown up thinking that he was dangerous and that people got hurt when they became too close to him. But that had always been his own point of view. He had never realized that Tanuma might have need him just as much as he needed him. Tanuma had always tried to appear strong to Natsume, even though he wasn't. He had always wanted to make Natsume feel safe. To be trusted and needed by him.

Finally it was sinking in. All those times, when he had hoped for Tanuma to act, it had not been that he had not wanted to, but that he couldn't. He was constantly offering his friendship, but unless Natsume accepted it, how could he ask for Tanuma to offer more than that? He had already offered everything he had dared to give and Natsume felt that now it was his turn to make the next move by accepting the offered friendship.

He really wished to actually know what he was doing but for now he had to rely on his instincts only. Awkwardly he shifted closer to Tanuma, reaching out for him in a clumsy attempt to pull him into a hug. Why hadn't he asked Natori about these things? Wasn't that like the basics of liking someone?

Hugging a friend couldn't be too difficult, could it? Natsume had never tried to pull anyone into a tight hug and as he felt Tanuma struggle against his touch, his determination instantly crumbled. Was he doing it wrong?

"Please, don't," he heard Tanuma's quick whisper, "you don't have to…"

"No, I wasn't…" Natsume wasn't sure what to reply. He just looked at Tanuma's bowed head and slumped shoulders. His sudden attempt to touch him had once again shot tears into the other's eyes and he was now trying to cover his face up with his hands so he could hide his embarrassment away from Natsume.

"No, really," Natsume begun, once again reaching out for his friend.

"I said don't!" Tanuma's voice grew louder, "I don't want you to do this out of pity," now he was actually sobbing, "Also, what would Natori-san say if he knew…?"

Even though his whole being was now focused on various ways how to calm down Tanuma, his last words made Natsume stop with confusion. What did Natori have to do with all of this? He could see Tanuma finally giving up on his struggle but all he could do was stare at his friend. If only he was a little bit better at these things…

"I don't understand," he finally said, still looking at Tanuma with confusion.

"You like him, don't you?" Tanuma finally said, a blush creeping onto his cheeks. He then looked away quickly.

Again, Natsume felt completely confused. In a way, he did like Natori. Despite being a shady person whose thoughts were a mystery to Natsume more often than not, he did have his decent sides. Sometimes, he would teach him things and share experiences, like a few days ago when he had patiently answered Natsume's weird questions. How did one know if one liked someone?

"I do, but…" Natsume mumbled insecurely but those few words were enough to make Tanuma wince and Natsume felt another stab to his heart. That wasn't what he had meant. He liked Natori, but he had learnt to like so many people. Still, the way he liked Tanuma felt different. It was almost the same as Natori had described it to him. Something one didn't feel for anyone but one special person.

"I like you more," Natsume's voice was barely audible and he could feel blood rushing to his face, but was pleased to see Tanuma suddenly lift his head to stare at him.

"I like many people. I'm glad to be surrounded by so many kind people," he continued softly, "but I like none of them as much as I like you." He had never said anything like that before and the embarrassment made him avert his eyes from Tanuma and look to the ground. Now that he had said those words, what was he supposed to do next? The only knowledge he had on this topic came from cheesy movies starring Natori, books and the wisdom that Nishimura felt like offering to him every now and then. But those weren't exactly trustworthy sources and Natsume knew that what Nishimura had to say could be rather treated as advice on how not to act in these situations.

Tanuma wasn't moving. He simply kept staring at Natsume, unsure if he had really heard him say those words.

Hoping that it would be the right thing, Natsume shifted closer to Tanuma und slowly reached out for him. This time, Tanuma didn't protest, but still, he did look away once again and Natsume could see his hands clench into fists, when he felt Natsume's hand on his cheek.

"I'm sorry for telling you all this," Natsume repeated again, reaching for the handkerchief in his pocket and bringing it to Tanuma's face, "I wasn't lying. But I wasn't telling you the whole truth either. I'm sorry for that… but this story involves youkai and I didn't think you would want to know…"

Tanuma only nodded slowly, but he still let Natsume wipe at his tears that had at least stopped now. That silent nod held so much resignation. Even now, Tanuma wasn't expecting for Natsume to tell him the truth.

"Natori-san had asked me to help him exorcise a youkai that he couldn't find on his own. But the youkai turned out to be so much different from what I had expected. She was incredibly kind and she looked after the house and its owners without ever being seen or thanked…" Natsume was now determined to tell the whole story. Without any hesitance he continued to explain how he had met Mitsuho. How he had learnt her story and how Natori didn't seem to care about any of that. How he felt that she deserved better and how he had left for the garden and how the black youkai had appeared. He told about his desperate fight and its bitter end.

"That youkai… it could have hurt you badly," Tanuma whispered and Natsume knew that this was also one reason why he preferred not to tell Tanuma about his encounters with youkai. His friend's worried look always made him feel uncomfortable and also so very guilty.

"I was lucky this time," Natsume tried to brush it off with a smile, "Also, Natori-san was there. He would have looked out for me." He knew, telling Tanuma that someone else was better at protecting him wasn't exactly the right thing now, but that's what made this whole thing so difficult. "Anyway," he continued before Tanuma could say any more, "this experience has taught me a lot. I've never experienced those feelings in such a way. They made me realize so much and kind of overwhelmed me… but…" he now was softly stroking Tanuma's cheek, "… I only realize now what is most important. Those feelings… they've been right in front of for the whole time. I've been so blind and I'm truly sorry for having made you experience all those feelings. Now that I've got a glimpse on how it feels, I can't even imagine how it must have felt for you."

Tanuma was simply looking at him, but with every word that Natsume said, he was calming down visibly.

"I… I don't know… it's always been like that so I didn't mind too much," he awkwardly mumbled with a blush.

Natsume shook his head, "I don't believe you. Those feelings hurt and even though one tries to hide the pain, it never really goes away."

With these words Natsume shifted even closer and slowly put his arms around Tanuma, attempting another hug. He pleasantly noticed that this time, Tanuma wasn't struggling but simply accepted his touch.

For Tanuma, this whole situation felt highly unreal. Being hugged by Natsume had been something he had always wished for, but it wasn't something to be expected from Natsume. The touch felt warm and soft but at the same time, it was too good to be real. Still, those things that Natsume had finally told him… he could understand how Natsume felt about them. Maybe this had really been enough to finally shorten the distance between the two of them. Even if it was just a little. For Natsume to finally look at him, to finally understand the things as he was seeing them, felt like a great relief. Tanuma sighed and tightened his arms around Natsume, hugging him back. Maybe now, Natsume would be able to accept his friendship without always trying to put all those distance between them whenever things got a little bit supernatural.

"Thank you for thinking about it," Tanuma mumbled, burying his face in Natsume's shoulder. He wanted to say so much more but he felt that for now, this was already more than he deserved or than he had ever dared to hope for. He didn't want to push Natsume away by demanding too much, just when the other had finally started to open up to him.

Natsume held him tight, with the side of his face he was resting on Tanuma's head. So that's what it felt like to be so close…. It felt nice and Natsume let himself drown in the calm sensation. He remembered wishing for this for so long, always relying on Tanuma to reach out for him. In the end, it had been so simple. He only had to reach out himself and he wished he had done it sooner. Maybe, they could have built on that by now and Natsume felt the tiny bit of frustration at these thoughts. Things had stood still for such a long time and now that they were finally moving, he felt that he couldn't let them stop again. However, he also knew that it had been his fault and that after all of his secrets and reserved distance, he couldn't expect Tanuma to simply catch on on what he wanted him to do. He had messed up greatly but he knew better now.

Natsume sighed. They were sitting there in the dimmed room. Outside it was still raining heavily and the air felt fresh. The steady sound of rain added to the calmness of the moment and Natsume knew that if he wanted to make a move, this would be the perfect opportunity. He couldn't bear things as they had used to be for so long and he didn't feel like having to wait for a possibly even longer time to sort everything out properly.

Maybe, he'd lose Tanuma anyway. Maybe Tanuma didn't want to be anything but friends. Maybe, after being dragged off into Natsume's world, he would realize that this wasn't what he wanted after all and he'd leave then. Maybe, he wouldn't want to leave but he'd get dragged in too deep and then something would happen to him… Natsume felt his heartbeat quicken at the unpleasant and scary thoughts but for once, he had to trust Tanuma. Wasn't that what the other boy had always wanted him to do? He'd try hard to make it work. Because this was definitely worth it. For Tanuma, he'd try to find a way. Tanuma needed him just as much as he needed Tanuma and he couldn't stand to see his friend suffer because of his selfish thoughts.

None of the people who could actually see spirits had ever let Natsume feel as safe as Tanuma did. Natori might be able to chase away a nasty youkai. He might be able to exorcise it and save Natsume from an attack. But he couldn't give him the same feeling of peace and safety that Tanuma could. Tanuma didn't have to see youkai to be able to hold Natsume close and Natsume knew that that was what he really needed. Tanuma didn't need to be able to see youkai to believe Natsume and to constantly try to help him out as much as he could.

"Hey," Natsume whispered and nuzzled his nose in Tanuma's hair and when the other shifted to finally look up, Natsume brought their foreheads together. Now, they were looking right into each other's eyes.

They should have done this ages ago. Always looking away and avoiding each other's gazes they had never stopped to simply look at each other's eyes. It felt like an eternity, simply looking at each other while the air round them was filled with the calm sound of rain.

Again, Natsume felt like apologizing. For everything he had unknowingly done to his friend but he had offered his apologies so frequently that he wasn't sure if Tanuma could even take them seriously anymore. Natsume took a deep breath.

"This time, can you please accept my apology?" he finally said with pleading eyes.

"I already have," Tanuma smiled softly.

"Then, please, also forgive me for what I'm about to do," Natsume's voice turned slightly nervous, "I've never done something like that and I might be really bad at it and maybe you don't even like that and…" he was mumbling at an awful speed now, making Tanuma blink with confusion. Therefore, is also came completely unexpected, when Natsume suddenly leaned forward and placed his lips on Tanuma's.

For a brief moment, their lips touched awkwardly then Natsume had already pulled back blushing furiously.

Tanuma was staring at him with wide eyes.

Suddenly, all pieces in Tanuma's mind were falling into place. Natsume's expecting looks that he would be giving him when they would be alone together, the constant worry, the apologies… all along they had wanted the same thing and now, Natsume had finally granted him permission.

This time it was Tanuma who leant forward to capture Natsume's lips. This kiss was longer than the first one but it was still nothing but a mere touch of lips. Still, to them in meant the world. The feelings that they had tried to hide away for so long were now flowing into them, swirling around them and they wanted to never let go of each other. They didn't dare to go any further but they knew that they had done a step that had opened them the door to a world that sooner or later they'd be ready to walk further into. For now, though, this was more that enough.

Natsume's heart was racing and despite his thoughts being entirely consumed by Tanuma, he remembered Natori's words on how it felt to be with someone he liked. Why had he even asked? Right now, it didn't seem difficult at all any more.

"You know, when I said, I like you, I meant…" Natsume begun, but he was cut off by Tanuma. "I know… I like you too, which I mean exactly the same way."

"I'm glad," Natsume mumbled closing his eyes and letting himself softly fall against Tanuma. He felt exhausted. It was a similar feeling to the one he experienced whenever he returned another youkai's name. He felt Tanuma's arms close around him tighter and simply proceeded to rest against him.

"I'm glad too," he could hear Tanuma's soft voice.

They didn't expect things to be easy. The world that the two of them were about to enter was more dangerous then the one they had been used to. Still, they were determined to do their best to make this work. Life was hard but it was definitely worth living, especially when one wasn't alone anymore.

"What shall we do about the others? Shall we tell them," was Tanuma's question the next morning, when the two of them were standing in front of the school building. They had met up to walk to school together and on their way they had realized that now they had another secret to share.

"Nah, let's leave it as it is," Natsume smiled and proceeded to walk towards the building.

They had spent lunch break with their friends and after school everyone had stayed behind to enjoy the nice weather after yesterday's storm. It had been a fun time. Kitamoto and Nishimura had joked around all the time. Taki had brought them delicious cookies and Natsume and Tanuma were simply sitting next to each other, as they always would. The looks that they gave each other were soft and caring but that's how they always had been. Understanding fist bumps and knowing smiles to which their friends would occasionally roll their eyes. It seemed like Natsume and Tanuma were living in a world of their own that no one else could enter.

Really, it was surprising how little had changed on the outside. On the inside however, nothing was the same anymore.


End file.
